Bad Boy Syndrome – The Insight.

Sequel to ‘Who You Give it To’

I am extremely excited to write this particular article because it is so, so dear to me. *Wiggling fingers* let’s begin shall we!

In 2011, I had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting a great teacher. He was over six feet tall with a domineering frame, strong presence and a captivating quality in his arrogant speech. I was consumed by his aura and unapologetic ego. He soon became a frequent visitor in my life.

Before I go any further, can I just caution readers that the ‘school of thought’ which will be greatly used as a reference point here, applies only and not limited to persons with a specific condition: Bad Boy Syndrome, which I will refer to as BBS for the remainder of this piece.

BBS, described in my previous article “Who You Give it To”, is an awfully deep rooted state which I think can only be altered and cured with three ingredients: experience, advice and bold decision making. Since I pointed out the WHY of getting into these relationships in “Who You Give it To”, let me say something about the WHAT. Getting into these depriving relationships with Bad Ass Boys (BAB) our main goal as BBS girls is to change the man. Yes, to change the man. Of course this is not something that is at the forefront of your conscience yelling “I ‘m ganna make him mine and I am ganna change him!”No, it is in your sub conscience-that state of mind that makes you automatically reach for the central lock when you turn on your car or makes you flip the bathroom switch when you already know there’s a blackout. You’re extremely attracted to the bad attitude, but you want him to be pleasant only to you. You see the selfishness but you want him to be kind only to you. You want to hold the key to his sentimental side like a magic wand as the world around you marvels at how this man, this alpha, is weak at your knees.

My teacher, that six foot something, conceited, domineering man said this to me one day, “Men never, ever change. Women change. And it’s only natural because they have to become mothers and nurturers-some gain weight and become elephants. Their focus shifts. But the man never changes, if you married a man who was lazy and unfocused don’t think he will ever become hardworking and directional.”

One night over dinner, I said to my teacher “That comment you made about women becoming elephants was insensitive “He laughed, “You missed the point I was trying to make. But anyway if she (the potential wife/girlfriend) doesn’t want me to cheat on her, she shouldn’t become an elephant.”

I responded, “And what if she’s just had a baby?!”

“Understood, but I work out every day. Every day. I can’t come home and find you stuffing your face with cake and doing nothing about it.” I couldn’t believe it but his honesty amazed and humored me.

”Look, this is me. I can be an asshole” he continued. In frustration I retorted back “So are you trying to say that you are destined to always make the women in your life miserable?” “No. My ways may still be the same but I am mature and much older now; I know what it means to be a good man. If I love her I will not hurt her. ”

Laughing about this with one of my friends one day, she said to me that she was over the bad boys. She couldn’t imagine herself getting into that cycle again. “Good guys are nice, I’m telling you. You need to get with one and see what I mean” I reminded her that I already had. And 3 months into it I was eager to leave. “No, that was because he was a push over. There are strong bold and confident men out there who are good” she said. I was jealous that about her enlightenment.

5 months later my heart was brutally broken. I was not over, but extremely evasive of BBS. I could not stand it or be near it and it brought a bitter taste in my mouth. My teacher said, “But I told you, men don’t change.”

Let’s be clear. No matter how many times you cook meat for him(recall: ‘Moturi’ viral), remind him that he looks good, kiss him on the cheek in adoration when he says something wildly intelligent in front of his friends, do back flips and forward saults in the bedroom; he will never change because of you. One, I know we have heard this over and over and two, I can bet my salary that you are certain in your mind that you ‘don’t want to change him’. Well, I’m here to tell you that you are. You are in love with the man you hope he will become, not the man he is.

If you believe he didn’t really mean to be hurtful, the Jameson had sunk in anyways, you’re wrong. If you believe that nobody else will love you if you leave, you’re wrong. If you believe that he may soften and maybe even change when he realizes what a great woman you are, you’re dead wrong. Even when he realizes you are that amazing woman, that’s all it will be to him, a realization.

He will change on his own accord, his own clock, on his own effort, when the demons inside of him have settled, when you are far from him and he is in honest pursuit of his beloved; and only then can you be hopeful.

Believe me; I have a black belt in bad boy.

If you are still crying on your pillow, I suggest you exit, cold turkey.

Yeah, I said it!

Peace & Love

Julia Love.