How to select bedsheets (for married men)

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1. The first thing when considering bedsheets as a married man is whether the sheets are for your bed or the guest room. If they are for your room, skip step 2.

2. Guest bedsheets need to:

a.) Look as expensive as possible
b.) Be as cheap as possible
c.) Cannot be white
d.) Must be easy to clean
e.) Must make mother in law proud

3. After considering colour of room, curtains and pillows, size of your bed, etc consult wife for possible colour choices.

4. Using a Pantone colour chart, identify the exact colours your wife is happy with and can confirm helps better her mood.

5. Now agree on material, cotton, cotton blend, satin, etc.

6. If cotton was selected, now agree upon thread count as this will have a bearing on comfort level. Her comfort equals your comfort. Very important.

7. Go to an outlet that has a decent understanding and stock of bath & bedding items and state your preferences. If you have gone to the store with wife, proceed to 8. If solo, skip to 9.

8. When store attendant makes recommendations and suggestions, observe wife. If the hairs on her neck have risen, pretend to be very angry at attendant for showing you rubbish sub-standard products. Keep repeating and scowling and tutting until you see something that makes wife’s neck hairs settle down. Ask her if she is happy with selection and if affirmative proceed to pay.

9. When the store attendant makes recommendations and suggestions, pretend to be the king of bedsheets. Proceed to lecture him on how important thread count is to your wife and how he should incorporate that into his sales strategy. Argue on the price of the bedsheets even if it is a fixed price store like a supermarket. See if you can get a discount for not buying it with pillow covers.

10. Once the sheets have been washed and ironed, hold two short edges in your hand as wife holds the other two. Proceed to place sheet on bed, smoothing it towards you as you lay it. Tuck in all edges under the mattress and smooth out any bumps.

11. Admire the sheets for about 2-3min and then get shouted at by the wife for selecting the wrong colour which doesn’t match with the curtains, thread count being too low as it feels rough to lie on and for not asking the doing enough research before buying it.

12. Give wife more money so she can go buy bedsheets as well as a few glasses of wine to recover from this traumatic experience.

13. Promise yourself never to get involved in purchasing decisions for the house.

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