Retirement: When time is no longer money…

When people usually talk about retirement, it’s usually a distant, rosy prospect filled with the possibility of world travel to varied destinations with your battle tested amour, enjoying all the little pleasures of life. You’d have worked hard to get there. Your offspring will be out of the nest, conquering the world.

In short, it will be epic.

Sadly, reality has other plans.

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Let’s talk about your retirement plan. This won’t take long. Tick all that apply:

  • Leave employment, start my business in a field I don’t know too much about but how hard can it be surely?
    4/5 of all new business shut down before their 3rd anniversary. Think about that that. Priss.
  • I am short of several vital organs after putting my kids through school. They had better come through for me now that my body is failing.
    It used to be that kids were an excellent retirement plan, more so if you had a battalion of them. Each would be assigned a need to handle (medical, food, travel, entertainment, etc.) and all the parent needed do was chill and wait for the good life. Modern day reality means that your kids are more likely to move back into the family home, if they ever move out to begin with. New plan needed.
  • Look, this is all pretty basic. I f I play SportPesa, The Pambazuka Lottery, Betway, The Charity Sweepstake and the street card game, one of those is bound to come through!
    The lottery odds are long…this is true. But surely, if I play multiple lotteries, I’m improving my chances, right? Right???

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  • So, my house is located above this bank…
    Well, this is a favourite fantasy after that incident in Kayole. That said, banks are holding less money than ever in their vaults. This particular strategy comes with the risk of high velocity lead poisoning as well.
  • I know quails were a fad. This rabbit urine story is looking a little dodgy but listen. Money plants are back and they are the next big thing!!
    Fads only make their creators money…and this supposes that the originator is smart enough to exit before the bubble bursts.
  • I answered an ad in the paper to obtain the cartel starter pack. I have already received the bracelet. I’m told a tender is in the process of being awarded to me worth enough to retire Kesho. Yaani literally tomorrow.
    If you believe this, I have an unoccupied residential tower in the Yaya centre area that I’d like to sell you..
  • I have the deluxe SOS retirement plan. Where SOS stands for “Saidia Ooooooo Saidia”
    This? This is my current plan

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If none of these plans appeal to you, (I can’t imagine why…) you may want to drop by the Retirement Benefit Authority and check out their approved products.

Next week, lets talk about how to go about choosing a retirement plan that actually works.

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