Done or Dunzo

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Once, I wrote a poem. It was called, ‘I am the bloody turf’. I wrote the poem when I was going through my first break up with a guy I had dated for close to three years. Our on again off again relationship was scarred but the love we shared was … something that still makes me smile. During that break up, a huge part of me wanted my boyfriend back because it pained to exist without him but then another part of me reminded me how bad things had gotten and how illogical it was that I should be wanting that again. Because of these two strong pulls, I felt like there were two sides of me: The Heart and The Mind. Later when I wrote the poem, I added a third side: Me.

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why did I do that!!!” or “What was I thinking?” as if it was not indeed you who did that very thing?

I met a guy who took me on an amazing first date. Nowhere special; just him, I and great service. We laughed and ate and sipped on wine. I was walking on clouds winking at the gods at my luck. I went home that night and whispered to myself “cozy, kissy, cuddly Saturday mornings here I come!”

That was not the case. But I said, “Fuck it!”

I was going through a lot and didn’t want to be alone and so I decided, in all sobriety, to settle. It was not a good idea but it wasn’t my worst. Through the months I suffocated in this extreme bitter sour circumstance. Soon I was at ease with the not-so-cozy, once- in-a-while-kissy, hangover Saturday mornings. I was making lemonade out of lemons was I not? Fine, that was bull, but like I said, I did not care.

I was honest to my friend Jo. I told her that even though I knew I was allowing myself to be in a bad situation, I was going through a lot that year feeling like life had rejected me and I did not want to be rejected by this guy too. One day however, I said, “OK! I can take a lot but I can’t take this. I’m done with him!” Jo couldn’t be more supportive.

Two weeks later I was at my favorite restaurant with the guy having my favorite apple martini and steak as he had sushi. After a small disagreement, I went back to Jo and said, “I am so done with him.” Jo couldn’t be more supportive.

Two weeks later I was at my favorite club with my friends, having a second drink from the guy I didn’t like, trying to make sense of life. Out of nowhere, you guessed who showed up and suddenly I was having my 5^th drink with him. The next day I went to Jo and said, “I am done with this shit gurl”. Jo couldn’t be more supportive.

Two weeks later I was at Lake Elementaita with the guy… well, you all get the drift here don’t you? I was stuck in this cycle and I was not even in love with this guy! When I was done, I really did mean it. I really was up to here with everything. And then I would ask myself “what the hell was I thinking going back!” or “Why did I do that?” as if I was talking to a different me, trying to inquire about her actions. After Elementaita, I went to Jo and said, “Honestly Jo, this is it, I am done.” Jo finally said “Okay you’re not! Nowhere close.”

From then on we decided that if we were moving on from a guy, on the path of getting over them, completely sure that we didn’t want anything to do with them, BUT there was a part of us that still maybe yearned for them, then we were “Done”. But if we were really really really over someone and there was no possible chance of ever reuniting, then we would say that we were “Dunzo”. Jo must have picked these words up from some show. So she asked, “Are you done or are dunzo?”

As human beings our mental states shift literally according to our emotional states. Who you are now in this state of mind could change tomorrow in a different state of mind. In my poem, ‘I am the Bloody Turf’ I argued that there was the heart, full of love and compassion, having no recollection of time or account of bad experiences and then there was the mind: full of logic, learning and comprehensive arguments. When the heart was in control and when the mind was in control was not up to me but up to them-and the battle that they fought was in me. I was the bloody turf.

And so I say to girls (and guys) all the time, never say you’re ‘Done’ or that you will ‘Never’ do this or that because it’s not really up to you. Not until either your mind or your heart takes control. Leave the battle with them and when you are ready, learn how to listen to the victor of this war and then say if either you are done, or dunzo.

I’m really Done.

Yeah I said it!

Peace and Love

Julia Love